Thursday, August 28, 2003

Politiks, As Usual

It is true what they say: if you leave the lunatics alone long enough, they will eventually kid themselves into believing that they are in charge. Case in point: the soon-to-be-outgoing California Governor.

When good ole Gray Davis gave his much-anticipated speech / commentary about the current California recall movement at UCLA, it had been assumed that his speech would be a mea culpa of sorts, kind of a "hey, I know, I screwed up and drove the state directly into the ground, but PLEASE don't kick my incompetent ass out, OK?" speech. Instead, Davis chose to march down the road that The Left seems to be wearing a groove in lo these recent years: he pointed the finger at everyone but himself, invoking the old "vast right-wing conspiracy" theory (although infantile insult rhetoric still reigns supreme).

Yup, according to Davis, his woes are not his own doing, but rather, he is yet another victim of the "conspiracy". You see, this movement to send Davis to the unemployment line is nothing more that a continuation of the "organized movement" by Republicans to usurp democracy! How come no one tells me about these things? I like cool t-shirts.

Yep, it all began with the Clinton impeachment (forget that he broke the law and all that stuff). Then, in an unbelievable attempt to re-write history, he said it continued with the Republicans' attempt to throw out ballots in Florida! The Republicans!!! (Sorry, was the Democrats that tried to toss out perfectly good ballots while counting every folded, spindled and mutilated ballot!) The Recall Movement is just another example. After all, there couldn't possibly be a valid reason to throw Davis out of office, right? California is only miserable, its' people overtaxed and underpaid, an energy crisis bought about by horrendous policies and (quite possibly) the dirtiest campaign tactics in the history of American politics.

But you're right's not you. It's us.

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Who Turned Out The Lights?

So, while I was in Bermuda there was this little blackout thing. There's nothing quite like being thousands of miles away from a place and seeing it in utter chaos! Thankfully, the power was back up and juicing when we docked back in New York, so we weren't dumped on the West Side with nothing but our baggage and a few six packs of Coke to try and get home with. All it takes is a couple of power lines in Ohio to go PFFT and all hell breaks lose. I got a few yuks in the lounge on the ship by imitating Bloomberg. I held a fake press briefing in which I informed everyone that rioting was now more illegal than smoking in New York City.

Seriously, though...thankfully, the power stayed on at home base in Suburbia, NJ. There was nothing more heart wrenching than the guy from Cleveland on board that realized what was going on and cried out in agony, "all that stuff in my fridge is going to have to get thrown out! AUGHH!". I feel for ya, pal.

Never one to let facts get in the way, the Village Voice - in search of some Republican to whip now that Rudy is gone - has a front cover fingering Governor Pataki as being the one responsible for the Blackout of 2003. This of course was done before the cause was fingered to First Energy of Ohio and a few downed lines east of Cleveland. Which only goes to prove what I have always said: The Voice is the finest fish wrapping and dog poop-scooping tool no money is needed to buy.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Cruising Bermuda

Well dunk me in chocolate and call me a Kit Kat! How the heck is everybody? Here I am, back from the trip the Missus and I took to beautiful Bermuda (and I do mean Beautiful). We spent two days in Hamilton and two in St. George and I must say, I fell in love with St. George. Not that there was anything wrong with Hamilton, but it is more like a pastel-colored shopping mall than anything else. St. George was a beautiful, old world-style town with lovely cobblestone roads and small shops. All around are beautiful homes with amazing beaches and crystal clear water.

Hamilton was good, in that it was the first place we stopped in Bermuda, so it was our first chance to see the island up close and personal like. We took a leisurely stroll around town, and were quite pleased to find a variety of shops bearing a vast array of British confections, odd breakfast cereals, Cuban cigars and Coca-Cola made with SUGAR!

For the uninformed in the demographic, the United States bottlers of Coca-Cola stopped using sugar as its' chief sweetener back in the early 80's. Well, in Bermuda, they still make Coke with good old cane sugar. It still tastes the way it did when I was a kid, and it even smells the way it did when I was a kid. So while the rest of the folks on the The Zenith were sneaking duty-free bottles of Liquor and cigareets past customs, Mon and I were smuggling in four six packs of the demon Sugar Coke!

The cruise itself was extraordinary. Being our first cruise, we immediately fell into the groove of being pampered and stuffed all day long. The buffets and adult beverages fly fast and furious. I can't say enough good things about the staff of the Zenith - they really treat people like royalty. For the first time in about five years, I don't have that knot in my neck.

Today's The Day

Some good advice from the legendary Ray Stevens.