Monday, January 22, 2007

Worst Kept Secret Dept.: Hillary's In

Unless you live under a rock, you know by now that Hillary officially threw her hat in the ring for the 2008 Presidential Election over the weekend. Good God, just THINKING about the concept of HILLARY possibly being the next President makes me a little queasy, so I've been deliberately avoiding making any comments about it.

Well...I just threw up in my mouth a little, so I guess it's OK to unburden myself now.

I figured out what the Clintons are a long time ago. They are the guests that came to your party (even though YOU didn't invite them - someone else thought it would be a "cool idea" to bring them along) and refuse to leave. You know the ones I'm talking about: the house is a mess, there's empty bottles and crushed tortilla chips all over the rug. All you want to do is kick them out and go to bed. You're tired, you're weary, and quite frankly - you're sick of looking at them - and once they DO leave, you hope you never see them again. But they refuse to go. They keep spilling shit on your rug, touching your books and records with greasy fingers and scaring your cats. You're in HELL.

That's the Clintons - the uninvited party guests that keep channel surfing your digital cable and eating the salsa off the sides of the bowl with thier index fingers at a quarter to five in the morning while you're struggling to stay awake on the barca lounger.

You see them FINALLY going for their coats, but you know something else is up. The wife has been saying she has a big announcement all night but hasn't made it yet. So you know it's coming. Sure, you hope she might forget, but she never forgets. You're still gonna have to sit through the announcement. Without warning, she drops the bomb on you - and it's so potentially disasterous that it keeps you awake...night after night.

Hillary dropped her bomb on Saturday - rushed mainly to counteract Barak Obama's Presidential bid announcement that came earlier in the week (Obama being the perennial empty-suit candidate..I have this visual image of the two of them whipping out light sabres at the Democratic Convention and saying, "There can be only one". Hillary's is of course, bigger). Talk about rotted pickins - the air fills with the stench of moldy, soft pumpkins. Oy and vey.

Hillary feels that she has what it takes to be the first female commander-in-chief. She's about as qualified for that job as Geena Davis. We're talking about the woman that looked the other way while her husband slipped the high hard one to any piece of ass that walked in his general direction. Under normal circumstances, women would ostracize Hillary for being a friggin' idiot. But I'm sure she will be canonized for being smart enough to stay on Bill's coattales while he drained the noodle.

The Clintons are the emodiment of self-absorbed political arrogance. Why not? They have (either seperately or together) gotten free rides from the media and magistrate alike on such unseemly matters at Travelgate, Whitewatergate, Cattlegate, Gennifergate, Filegate, Paulagate, LincolnBedroomgate, Hubbellgate, Chinagate, Auditgate, Pardongate...oh, I could go on and on. Former associates would rather rot to death in prison than turn on them. So why SHOULD they feel anything other than Teflon-coated arrogance?

Of course, Bill and Hill's greatest legacies will be Lewinsky, having their heads in the sand while the 9/11 plot was being hatched (and having enough pull to get a movie about it edited beyond recognition) and extremely skillfull carpetbaggery. With everything the two of them have been able to get away with, I would put nothing past them - even this.

Today officially began campaign Week One for Hilly. I'm sure she already hit the department stores to stock up on new pantsuits. While she talks about having a "discussion" on her web site, let's see how long it takes before she starts talking out of both sides of her mouth.

The clock...starts...NOW.

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Today's The Day

Some good advice from the legendary Ray Stevens.